I. Alluvion
The time between signing on to this collection and finalising the chapter has been the time of 2019–22. The unpredictable cascade of changes flooding this interval has rerouted my ideas of life, work, meaning, reading, writing, care again and again. Just like you.
Consequently, my ambivalence towards Interrogating Lesbian Modernism has grown heavier, soggier, deeper than ever. Rather than getting dragged to the bottom, I allow the detritus that floats upon the frangible surface of an uncertain now to flow through this writing.
May you be reading this in a now that can hold you.
II. Lesbian Modernism?: It's Complicated
Now to delight my women friends
I’ll make a beautiful song of this affair.
I have been contemplating a break-up with Lesbian Modernism for a long time.
She's my first love. And yet, we all know, that's rarely enough.
Years ago, I was ready to abandon our relationship – How to define it? How to understand it? How, even, to understand her?
(I was, frankly, not that interested in her identity crises: no terms, no definitions can capture her complexity, her inconstancy, her caprice. Lesbian Modernism, Sapphic Modernism, Queer Feminist Modernism – it is not a matter of any importance. Let us choose LM as a convenient term for something that has no real being.)
I was fed up.
And yet. How to let her go? She was all I had. And even as our affair dwindled, I still wanted it to be known. Published. Then, I could end it.
My ambivalence and publishers’ indifference stalled us. My attentions wandered, straying into other flirtations.
Time passed.
She gained more recognition. The gatekeepers nodded and I went public with a warmed-over account of our beleaguered histoire d’amour.
Now, I thought, time to let her go, start over with someone else, something else.
And yet. As my way in, she was now in my way: What I knew. How I knew. All I knew. Still holding her appeal and my loyal heart.
And yet. Life and loving beyond the page divaricated along unexpected pathways, attracting suspicion from her more categorically possessive devotees.
(My FtM transpartner in life, the parent of my kids, would gladly wear the T-shirt declaring, ‘I’m not a lesbian, but my girlfriend is.’)